Saturday, January 29, 2005


Iraq Goes to the Polls Posted by Hello

Monday, January 24, 2005


The New Pledge? Posted by Hello

Monday, January 17, 2005

What next?

Mississippi libraries ban 'America'

JACKSON, Miss. (UPI) -- Library officials in two Mississippi counties have banned the bestseller "America: The Book" by Jon Stewart and the writers of "The Daily Show."

The officials said they banned the book because of a photo that shows faces of the Supreme Court justices superimposed over naked bodies, TV Guide reported Monday.

"I've been a librarian for 40 years," said Robert Willits, director of the Jackson-George Regional Library System, "and this is the only book I've objected to so strongly that I wouldn't allow it to circulate."

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Analogies and Metaphors

These came from the annual "Dark and Stormy Night" competition. They were actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20.. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Opening Our Hearts and Piggy Banks

by Melvin Durai

I don't know about you, but the outpouring of support for the tsunami victims has touched me so deeply, I have a strong urge to run around and hug strangers. The only thing that's stopping me is the fear of spending time in a mental institution. It's bad enough that I sometimes talk to myself, occasionally talk to my plants, and every now and then talk to my mother-in-law.

Hugging people doesn't come naturally to me, but at a time like this, I even have the urge to hug George Bush. He was a little slow reacting to the disaster, but once he woke up, he showed the world that he does have a soft side, not just for the rich but for anyone with a beachfront home.

Bush didn't just pledge a ton of money and support -- even ten grand from his own pocket -- he sent his brother Jeb to tour the affected region, knowing that Jeb, as governor of Florida, has vast experience dealing with disasters, including hurricanes, tornadoes, and elections.

Several other countries such as Japan, Germany and Australia have also pledged hundreds of millions of dollars to help the tsunami victims, and just as touching, some Arab countries have offered to supply them with as much oil as they can buy. One Saudi prince has pledged to donate whatever money he saves from limiting shopping sprees in his household to one wife per day.

The spirit of giving is evident everywhere, from the German auto racing champion who has donated $10 million for tsunami relief to the Nigerian widow who has offered to transfer millions into any bank account.

While it's great that many governments have offered assistance in various forms, I've been most impressed with the generosity of ordinary people, folks like Jasmine Germany, a Detroit waitress who donated a day's wages and tips. If everyone in the world followed her example, we'd be able to build condominiums for all the survivors -- and that's just with Bill Gates' contribution.

Perhaps most touching are the donations of children, many of whom have responded to the terrible pictures on television in small but significant ways. Some in cities are emptying their piggy banks, while others in rural areas are selling their piggies. Many are donating their entire allowances; others are selling cookies and cakes to adults who, perhaps aware of the current exchange rate, are more than willing to give up dollars and gain pounds.

Some kids have been extremely resourceful, setting up lemonade stands and gouging customers like the adults do at the mall. A 5-year-old Canadian boy has offered to play ice hockey to help the tsunami victims. He plans to donate every penny he collects from the tooth fairy.

Celebrities are also doing their part. Some are singing songs to raise money, while others, like Ashlee Simpson, have offered to lip-synch.

Actress Sandra Bullock has donated one million dollars to the American Red Cross for tsunami relief. I don't know about you, but I want to hug her one million times.

Then again, it's not the first time I've felt that way.

----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2004 Melvin Durai.
All Rights Reserved.MelvinDurai.com
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and occasional stand-up comedian.
Born in India and raised in Zambia, he has lived in the U.S. since 1982.


Odd date

REDWOOD CITY, Calif. (UPI)

-- Monday has been declared an official holiday for oddballs who appreciate the date contains the first three odd numbers, the New York Daily News reported.

In U.S. date format, 1/3/05 happens only once a century, the last time being Jan. 3, 1905. That's enough to prompt a Redwood City, Calif., safety teacher to declare the day a holiday.

"Halley's Comet happens more frequently than this does," said Ron Gordon.

The 59-year-old has a soft spot for calendar quirks, as evidenced by his declaration of Square Root Day on 9/9/81.

He suggested in observation of Monday's "oddness," people do mental gymnastics to determine why adding odd numbers always results in a positive sum.

Copyright 2005 by United Press International.


Tuesday, January 04, 2005

The Tsunami, a first person account

>>> "turtle cook" <turtlevida@hotmail.com> 12/30/2004 11:09:58 PM >>>

if youre reading this for a second time, or maybe a third, im sorry but im having a hell of a time with the computers. i promised someone i would write this so i keep at it, but maybe youve already read some of it.

thanks for all the emails. my last friend i was worried about just wrote and so all my friends and jess' too are accounted for. i cant believe my luck. and for all the wonderful emails from friends and family thanks very much. if everyone could love everyone else so openly during the best of times, what a life we could have.

steve, jess and i have been on the island of palau weh, aceh provence, north sumatra for the better part of the last two weeks. the island is just north of the northernmost tip of sumatra. the epicenter of the earthquake was very close to us. we were staying near a beach village called iboh on the east side of the island. we had another small island 100m directly in front of us and our bungalos. this made for a nice channel inbetween and our location here is why were still around.

at 7:30 on the 26th our time i woke up thinking someone was pushing on my bungalo to wake me up. my bungalo sat about 15' above the waters edge on wooden stilts. so i got out to see what twas up and as soon as i got on ground i could barely stand. i grabbed onto a tree and held on for about 5 minutes. i also heard some loud booming noises which turned out to be the volcano on the island having minor eruptions brought on by the earthquake.

atleast thats what we think. after awhile everything was calm again. there were only about 15 tourists on the island and half were staying near us and iboh beach. a few came over to the resturant at my place thats built on the beach as well, 10 or so feet above the water. it was a strong wooden structure with a good foundation. we were talking about the earthquake and in complete shock. that was my first earthquake. right about that time i noticed the water in the channel turning into a raging river. all the water was being sucked out to sea. we thought a crack must have opened up in the sea floor or who knows what because none of us knew what the beginning of a tsunami looked like. so like morons we stayed in the resturant with some locals as well, and watched the water switch directions in current about 3 times. suddenly the channel swelled very quickly and as we were jumping out onto ground the wave swept through.

ewan and mila are the names of the people who ran our place. ewan was in town at the time buying supplies and mila was freaking out. they had become good friends of jess and i's (mila carried a small oven she borrowed in the town on the back of a motor scooter for 45 minutes just so she could bake me a real cake for my birthday 3 days after i met her). i just wanted to help her, so i said i help her get some things out of the resturant since that was also her and ewans home. we went in and out a couple times with various things, all the time watching the water. the third time inside i saw the big wave coming. it was crashing down the rock bank heading our way. i grabbed mila and we ran as fast as we could, jumping out of the resturant and up the hill with the wave breaking behind us. when the water started to recede, we turned just in time to see the same wave take the resturant away like it was on wheels and two seconds later there was nothing left but part of a concrete foundation. she lost everything she owned but her life with that and i held her and tried to comfort her as best i could. later her husband had been able to get back and everyone went up the hill. nothing else was damaged at our place. a big rock face kept the wave from hitting my bungalo and i lost nothing.

after that i went into iboh and everything was destroyed. a village of about 100 people, its just outside the protection of the island we had in front of us and a huge wave took the town apart. however, no one lost their lives there because they ran for the hills after the first smaller waves started coming into the street. steve was at a bungalo between mine and iboh and had also ran up hill. unfortunately, at the next beach 5k north, 2 or 3 indonesian tourists got swept away at gapang beach. all we could do now was look into the sea and watch the roofs of houses, refridgerators, chairs and mattresses floating away, or check out the coral heads 50' up on the banks and fish in the brush.

so here we were this little band of people wondering what the hell was going on and what would happen next. the general consensus was that the earthquake and our island volcano together caused the flooding. all electricity and phone lines were out and we had no contact with the outside world. it wasnt until later in the afternoon that we learned that the port in banda aceh on the mainland was destroyed. we got that info from a ferry that had been turned back from there that had left our island earlier that morning.

that night we stayed in a shelter on a hill with the locals sleeping on the ground feeling the tremors all night long. thats where we learned from the police that this was a lot bigger catastrophe than we could ever imagine. jess had left 2 days before for malaysia and steve and i had resolved to find a way to get to the mainland the next day.

at 6am the next day we started hitchhiking towards the port. we found out the ferry wasnt going anywhere. the dock was ok on our end, but the buildings behind were all gone and thats where the worst damage on the island was id say. but at the ferry dock we ran into 4 other travellers and we decided to try to hire a fishing boat to take us the 30k or so back to banda aceh. an hour later us and about 10 indonesians were on our way.

the going was slow. the whole trip took almost 5 hours i guess. the problem was the huge collection of debris created by the currents. these trash piles were about 20 to 40 feet wide and stretched as far as you could see in straight lines. the captain had to circumvent some of these and slow or stop to let palm tress and beds float past. sometimes we would find a narrow clearing.

this part is hard. ive written it before, but not well. a man i met in banda aceh told me to tell what i saw to everyone in my country. i dont know if he thought it would help with the aid relief, or so they might recieve more prayers. maybe he even knew it would be good therapy for me. when i wrote it the first time it was 2 days after and i wasnt thinking well and hadnt put any heart into it. right before i was about to send it, the power went out and i lost the whole thing. so ill do it again, not for any sadistic reason, but because i promised him i would, and i need to.

none of us knew what to expect because we were the first ones to cross in either direction and no one knew anything about banda aceh. we started passing dead cows and goats about 5k from the mainland. when we passed our first floating corpse we started trying to come to grips with what we might see. the port at banda aceh was non existent. we'd left from it 11 days before. we went past the jetty and down the channel looking for something to tie up to. we found a boat and its owner let us tie up to it and then we crossed between it and the ground on a 2x4. there was nothing around. this had been a populated part of the city and now there was nothing standing higher than 2 feet off the ground as far up and down the coast as you could see and a good half mile inland. not a car or tree or house anywhere. there were very few people around, maybe 10, mostly fisherman who must have come in after the tsunami hit. one of them motioned for us to follow him which was a blessing since there was no decernable path after awhile. just rubble. but some people had been putting boards across the bigger of the gaping holes in the ground. sometimes we had to walk through the mud, sometimes we stepped across it on pieces of concrete walls or mattresses or toilet lids. an indonesian couple followed behind the guide and i followed behind them. she was crying softly. after about half a mile we came far enough where we were in the midst of rolled cars, destroyed buildings, buses standing upright against half shattered homes and 40 foot long fishing boats on top of 4 story high apartments. it was another world. there was a dead calm of silence everywhere except for some tin flapping in the breeze. it was now a cemetary. the air was putrid with the smell of decaying animals and people. everywhere i looked there were bodies. bodies inside trashed cars, bodies underneath slabs of concrete and wood, bodies hanging partially out of doorways and windows. bodies on top of bodies. along the path we were on, most of the dead within reach had sheets or mattresses covering them. some didnt. some had crushed skulls and others had missing limbs. men women and children. once in awhile i would see a child that had obviously been placed next to a woman. probabley not because it was their child, but just out of love. the sight that i know will always haunt me is seeing a man and his son who had started walking in front of me going to each of the bodies and pulling back the sheets that hadnt blown off looking for family members. one time i saw him check under the sheet of what was obviously a small child. when i couldnt take it anymore i tried to just focus on my feet, but it didnt matter because i had to step over or by a body every 20 feet or so. i tried to stay close to the guide and realized steve was a bit behind. the guide had gone through some standing water and i had followed. i turned to look back at steve and he and another person were talking to another man about where we should go. i saw steve there talking, asking directions, while people carried a body right by him. i couldnt hear him. it was surreal. i just stood there in this ankle deep water in the middle of where the city used to be with my backpack on.

steve motioned that we were going to go a different way, and soon we heard the sound of traffic. we were now about 2 miles from the coast. more people were around now. some were carrying bodies out, some just sitting stunned. all muddy to the knees. some came up to me. after everything they had been through, some came up to ask if i was alright. a couple gave me a smile. steve and i were given a bottle of water. these are the strongest and best people ive ever had the pleasure to meet. its one time when i was really glad i smoked, not just because i needed to, but it was something i could share. i offered a cigarette to people near me or gave them one when they would just come up and start telling "everyone gone". i guess i was as easy to talk to as anyone else since everyone they knew had been killed and they probabley felt just as alien and alone in thier own city as i did.

steve and i finally made it to the town square and the traffic was chaotic. more so than usual. near the roundabout was a 30 fishing boat halfway inside of a shopping center. this is atleast 2 miles inland. a guy rode by on a scooter and recommended we go find a mosque and someone there might be able to help us. he pointed us down a road and we started walking along with the rest of the people carrying the last of what they owned to who knows where.

we had many conversations with people wanting to know about palau weh because the had family or friends there. there were lines a mile long at the gas stations already and people had started gathering what water was available. i went over to a military hospital to see if anyone could give us any information or how we could get to the airport and this man on a moped asked me if i needed any help and what could he do. he spoke perfect english and he did help me out. he had a young guy on the back with a bandaged broken foot who turne out to be his nephew. we had talked awhile and he was very friendly and always smiling at me. i asked how the rest of his family was. he just started to cry and told me this nephew was the last family he had left. this is the man who made me promise to write all this.

after walking for another couple hours we found someone willing to take us to the airport. on the way we passed the field whee the indonesian red cross had all the bodies brought. they were layed out according to gender and there was a seperate area for children. i just read in the newspaper yesterday that this is where they are going to make the mass graves. there were already atleast 1000 bodies laid out and this was only about 36 hours after the tsunami hit.

steve and i arrived at the airport expecting to have to sleep the night there, but luckily the govenment had already started flying evacuations and there was a plane for us 40 minutes later. in the meantime another tremor hit hard and everyone ran out of the airport. people everywhere were crying and down praying to allah to stop all this.

the plane had an english paper on it and thats the first real news we had gotten about the magnitude of the damage done. an hour later we were in medan indonesia at the hotel where we found jess safe and sound.

now jess and i are in krabi to check on some friends here and see what we could do. its not dangerous here anymore. steve went on to bali and were going to meet up again in a month and a half or so.

please try to find a red cross or other place to make some kind of donation of clothes, money or blood. also if you have been in any of the affected areas, try to get on to the lonely planet web site and you may find someone asking questions about what youve seen and who you know. one of steves emails got forwarded to it and he recieved emails from people asking about thier families. he was able to tell atleast 3 different people thier loved ones were ok on palau weh. and please try to find someone to love and love them well. and celebrate life. nothing else matters.

turtle

Sunday, January 02, 2005

Media Headlines

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: 'BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY