Predictions

'SWAMI WATKINS: PREDICTIONS FOR 2005

One of my hobbies is comparing the tabloid prophets' predictions for the previous years with the actual events. So far no UFO's have landed in the White House rose garden, a west-coast earthquake has not made San Diego and Los Angeles islands, Vanna White has not been electrocuted turning letters on "Wheel of Fortune," a new continent has not risen from the sea, and Jesus has not returned to earth as predicted for November 2001.

Last year, The Sun--motto, "All the news that's unfit to print"-- predicted Osama bin Laden would die of kidney disease, Saddam Hussein would be shot to death, Fidel Castro would die, a live dinosaur thousands of years old would be captured, the Hoover Dam would collapse, nuclear weapons would accidentally detonate in North Korea and kill thousands, and Colin Powell would run for president and "trounce" George Bush.

With a record like that, I'm not too worried about April 2005's predicted nuclear war that kills 500 million. The prophecy made last November was voiced by Saint Bernadette of Lourdes--who died in 1879. According to the Sun headline, "Berndatte's mummified body whispers prophecies for next five years." And the paper is reporting the Pope John Paul II has received a vision that terrorists will highjack a plane and crash it into Mount Rushmore.

Meanwhile, a woman in Delaware will successfully have the head of her dying husband surgically attached next to her head, a researcher will discover that heart disease can be cured with peanut butter, and Jesus will email the faithful in L.A. telling them to get out of town before a massive earthquake destroys the entire city.

Since December 2002, I've been making the very same predictions for each coming year. And each and every year, I'm amazingly accurate. So here are my 2002 predictions for 2005:

A famous Hollywood couple will split up citing "irreconcilable differences." A famous country-western singer will lose his wife, dog, and pick-up truck after a D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

Martha Stewart's Home Tattoo Kit" will become a popular item among her new audience demographic of "twenty to life."

Michael Jackson's record sales will continue to slump while his increasingly bizarre behavior will go to the top of the charts.

A high-ranking government official will resign following an infamous affair and/or politically incorrect joke. Politicians of all persuasions will continue to make stupid, off-the-cuff comments, but conservative gaffs will garner much more media coverage than liberal lapses.

A major Fortune 500 company will file for bankruptcy protection after a top executive is accused of embezzling millions in company stock.

Your computer will become obsolete. Bill Gates and Nigerian widows will continue to offer millions of dollars through email letters.

Terrorist will continue to terrify despite the "war on terrorism" which, at this point, seems as effective as previous wars on drugs and crime.

Wars and rumors of wars will dominate headlines.

Nostradamus, the French astrologer from the 1500's, will be credited with accurately predicting the most tragic event in the new year. Despite ban in schools and government proceedings, the President will immediately call for prayer and end his speech with "God bless America."

Yes, I'm cautiously confident that my predictions will once again be fulfilled this coming year. (I'm also confident that Jesus doesn't have email.) And I'm very certain that, no matter what occurs in the new year, faith, hope, and love will remain.

Wishing you a New Year filled with that faith, hope, and love.
SPAM OF THE MONTH CLUB: JANUARY 2005 (c) 2004 James N. Watkins